An Unbelievable Opportunity!!!

TVCSD Teacher Employment Application

Three Village Central School District
200 Nicholls Road P.O. Box 9050
East Setauket, New York 11733
APPLICATION FOR SCHOOL DISTRICT EMPLOYMENT

Since the local media made public the incredible salary, health care and retirement benefits available to the teachers of this district, we have been inundated with internet inquiries about employment. The hiring advantage originally offered to University at Stony Brook faculty only is now being extended to include all residents of the Three Village Central School District area.

Resume acceptance and interviews will remain an ongoing process for the foreseeable future. Teacher contract "parachute" provisions and additional cash incentives have produced a bumper crop of early retirees. With our ever-expanding curricula base and a prep-school-like environment, we have numerous openings for anyone with a college degree [Ph.D. or membership in the NRA preferred but not necessary] to teach:

The Function of Stoicism in a Fascist State, algebra, French, our new Graphic Arts in Lieu of English Regents program, Spanish, geometry, Multimedia Production Through Remote Learning for the Functionally Illiterate, Regression Analysis for Minimalists, A Cynical Look at Utopian Concepts, not only Mandarin and Cantonese but Szechuan Chinese dialect courses as well, and - of course - hygiene but with a new and exciting approach.

PLEASE PROVIDE THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION:
Name _______________________________________
Address _______________________________________
Phone Number _______________________________________
FAX and E-mail _______________________________________
Your Mother's Name _______________________________________
Your Father's Name _______________________________________
Do You Drive a Ford? YES/NO [Circle one, cross out the other OR erase both.] 

You will be given two days notice before being interviewed. Bring with you: Proof of every course you've ever taken, diplomas, a number 2 pencil, the New York Times crossword puzzle, a good book and a sense of humor.

In view of the bad publicity the district has been receiving as of late and our hopes for an eventually fresh start, free of the constraints of organized labor's medieval barbering practices, we ask that you sign the following:

I am not now, nor have I ever been, nor do I ever intend to be a member of the Three Village Teachers' Association, so help me goddess of wisdom.

_______________________
-- I do so declare --

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